BEST TRIP REPORTS OF 1998 (there were many...)

1990 Shield Retro Tr (Karl Baba)
Route Buzz Ratings Guidelines (Mad Dog)
Story From the Old Climber's Home (Bruce Bindner)
Viscious Circle (Eric D. Coomer)
Leaving Llamaland (Amanda Tarr)
BANZAI!!! V 5.10 and Mt. Alberta (Bruce Bindner) Part 1, Parts 2 and 3, and Part 4

MOST ANNOYING POST OF 1998

sulam@construct.net, the early days

SECOND MOST ANNOYING POST OF 1998

The replies to sulam@construct.net

BEST OF THE REST:

Rock climbing? What the hell is that? This is the place to CLIMB UP OTHER PEOPLE'S ASS if you haven't guessed by now from the posts. That's why it's called rec(tum).climbing!
-- Rex "MadBolter" Pieper (From late 1997)

On two occasions, I've had my ass reamed out on this newsgroup for stating that, until you redpoint a route, you don't really know how hard it is.
-- Mad Dog

I'll add #5: Winter mountaineering can be a blast. That is, until you get caught by a storm and your partner's weiner gets frostbitten (no kidding). I refused to administer the requested first aid and he lost some flesh. Was it wrong for me to leave him to his own resources?
-- Mad Dog

Now Clyde, I consider you a friend, so I'd be the last one to analyze your statement above and make some cheap shot about how maybe your nadoidal volume appears to fit the women's specs more than a men's. Now, had Tony posted your statement, I'd a been on it like white on rice. But I'd never say that to you.
-- Mad Dog

Rule 69 of how to be a hard man: Never admit that you are shy in the wanker department, even if it's true.
-- Mad Dog

>What gear is needed?
If your name is Tony, just take 3 quickdraws and a bottle of water to cool your ATC on the lightning-fast raps.
-- Mad Dog

>Is there a wait for the climb?
I'd flame you for that but I'm fresh out, having expended my weekly quota on a naive moron.
-- Mad Dog

This is funnier than lighting a fart in a crowded bus full of nuns. I think many of us should rethink our pathways to humor and get the grease guns flowing.
-- Mad Dog

Now grow up and DO NOT make the mistake of bringing my wife into this again, unless you want her to drop by your place and kick your ass proper. Believe me, she would wade through your punk ass like a hot knife through butter.
-- Mad Dog

Trolling on a test post is punishable by nad snippage.
-- Mad Dog

I'm beginning to think you Brits do not comprehend the magnitude of the garlic-enhanced American fart.
-- Mad Dog

Remember: "Profanity is the linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker"!
-- Mad Dog

For those of you not steeped in the trad way, you should realize that if you ever stray into tradland, you may soon be talking about slimey, wet runouts as "not too bad".
-- Mad Dog

Shit, had I started on 5.6 and improved the same number of grades, you'd be reading about me climbing 5.15b trad, onsight with a bottle of Sheef's in my chalkbag.
-- Mad Dog

The ability to fart on demand is just one of the many tools in the informed climber's arsenal. For the sport climber equipped with the Rabid Inc. Piezoelectric Electroflatch Maximizer (RIPEM), it can make the difference between an impressive onsight and a lame bail. Dynos have never been easier.
-- Mad Dog

I yelled back not to bet the farm on it, screamed "ROCK" and cut it loose. About 1/4th the way down, it got up on edge (it was ~3'x4'x5') and began to really pick up velocity. The dudes in the talus began to twitch and vibrate. Said boulder began to take 20', then 30', then 50'skips. Dudes were running for their lives. The boulder hit the talus at about Mach 0.7 and the scene looked likecosmic bowling - everything it hit went flying.
-- Mad Dog

Ultra thin condoms in the back country are a verified no-no.
-- Mad Dog

>I'm just totally psyched about how well these things performed on today's 7 pitch W6+!
I'd say this post should be titled: "Disguised as a boot endorsement, bhc brags about what he climbed this weekend".
-- Lord Slime

There are billions of people just like you; cleaving to some erroneous concept with the best of intentions.
-- Lord Slime

I guess I'll just go back to Sliming people for spewing bullshit as truth.
-- Lord Slime

>Jerome "I've been Slimed!" Graham
I sell commemorative plaques you can put on your wall.
-- Lord Slime

Two months later Keithbag and I are biviing at the base of the Diamond (5 miles and 3000' verts). He pulls out his sleeping bag and CLANG! CLANG! I look over and he's holding a 7 pound brass candelabra. Of course it's *his* candelabra so he can't just chuck it down a hole.
-- Lord Slime

>>Does this ever remind me of Tony Bubb...
>Admit it Slime, you miss him, don't you?
Not really. As they say in the military, I am "in a target-rich environment". ;-)
-- Lord Slime

By the way, "fuck" is a word that has been a part of the climbing lexicon since the first time someone bashed their finger with a piton hammer.
-- Lord Slime

I never mentioned my magnificence. But thank you for acknowledging it.
-- Lord Slime

Jim, you are either: 1) Clueless; 2) Naive; 3) Baiting a clueless, naive newbie
-- Lord Slime

My *function* as Lord Slime is to provide counterpoint it a lot of the unsubstantiated postings that show up here. I was knighted by Eugene Miya (grand old man of the Internet) many years ago. My job is to point-out the stupidity of "what's the weather going to be like in July?" questions in an El Nino year, and the laziness of "I need beta on Yosemite" posts. It is to call Bullshit! when someone claims to have climbed and descended Crimson Crysallis in 3 hrs. when Catherine Destiville took longer than that. It is to dispel the notion that the figure-8 is the only knot to tie-in with, or that you can learn to lead by following.
-- Lord Slime, and I like my job.

I usually don't flame people who think and frame their questions well.
-- Lord Slime

Someone who's never accomplished great deeds has little right to denigrate those who do.
-- Lord Slime

The bottom line is that whether it's gear or bolts doesn't make a rat's ass worth of difference. So pull that #4 Camalot outta your ass, dump your holier-than-thou attitudes and realize that it's NOT the bolts. If we want to maintain access to *all* areas we need to stick together.
-- Lord Slime

James, I just love it when you're condescending to people who are trying to help you. It's so gratifying to have you prove again and again that you're the biggest asshole to come along in recent history.
-- Lord Slime

Randy--you are referring to the drivel produced by the quintessential rec.climbing moron...a bunch of armchair yahoos that talk a lot, know very little and climb even less. However, there are a few outthere who don't match that prototype, fortunately!
-- Inez Drixelius

Take it from me, I happen to like squeezes, but that one is hideously dirty and insecure. NOT MODERATE. Religious people use profanity on it.
-- Inez Drixelius

Naked male sport climbers? No! I want naked male trad hogs! See below:

pushing 50 or over
very hairy chest and back
front tooth missing (no dental insurance)
wrinkled yellow toenail fungus
sunburnt dome with long gray ponytail (sparse curls will do)
fingers the size of Polish sausages torn-off nipples due to offwidth damage

Now there's a man, an image to behold, every climber chick's dream. And when he says: "Hey, honey, wanna do the DNB?" you just melt into a heap of adoring lard....
-- Inez Drixelius

The hollering made him deflate and thus he manages that last push to get out of his granite corset.
-- Inez Drixelius

Ian, you are so right! I just explained to Mr. Guidebook Rex that I am an all knowing pontificating bitch... As goes malls, drugs and boobs--Imagine a group of enhanced women with wool socks rolled to perfection, men in trendy jackets, hung like hamsters, and a guy high on some vitamin yelling"shitheads" from his pedestule and bingo, you have rec.climbing at the crags. A sight to behold!
-- Inez Drixelius

>I can make a bottle for my 8 month old with one hand. I attribute this to pro and rope handling. What climbing skills do you use?
Show people my gnarled hands and assure them that I can strangle an individual in less than 3 minutes...
-- Inez Drixelius

>On the flipside, an attractive female climber will have no lack of male climbers to choose from, from what I've seen.
You bet, and the dogs even get some crumbs that fall under the table. Gotta love the sport.
-- Inez Drixelius "I am not a cocker spaniel"

Profanity is about the best pro you'll get until the crack starts to narrow. Include doubles of profanity in the #6 to #8 range on your rack for this lead.
-- Bruce Bindner

I don't consider hammering a knifeblade piton into the top of a can an "easy means" of opening the can.
-- Bruce Bindner, Done that.

In the middle of the night, a rat investigating my empty food can was surprised by my bellow, and jumped off the ledge into the dark below. I vengefully imagined him slowly spinning through dark space, whiskers askew, still tasting minestrone soup on his grey rat lips.
-- Bruce Bindner

I was mortified. There I was, trying play MISTER rope gun for one of Yosemite's greatest historical figures... Ohhhnoononononono... F*ckF*ckF*ck D*mnD*mnD*mn NoNoNoNo!!!!!! I dropped the WATERwaterwaterwaterwater!!!!!
-- Bruce Bindner

I rarely see Slime at the crags. Proof that he's a couch-potato croissant-munching, beer-swilling softbody like the rest of us.
-- Bruce Bindner

Try that with a Gaz or propane/butane or some other numb-nuts stove in REAL conditions, and you'll be a popsicle while I and my partner are enjoying a wonderful pink-wine-and-garlic-chanterelle reduction with our roasted quail.
-- Bruce Bindner

How do you distinguish between being off-route and putting up a first ascent?
-- Bruce Bindner

The newsgroup is where people toss out unsubstantiated claims on a routine basis.
-- Clyde Soles

A) Boulder is home to a disproportionate number of climbers. B) Neither of the individuals were from Boulder. C) There are assholes everywhere.
-- Clyde Soles

Putting down others because they have different motivations than you is the highest form of arrogance and deserves contempt.
-- Clyde Soles

Hell, in Switzerland you could fart loudly and someone will come rescue you ;-)
-- Clyde Soles

Here in the People's Republic of the Politically Correct (aka Boulder), donuts are not allowed. Bagels are acceptable but the "cool" soft bodies go for croissants. We certainly can't make disparaging remarks about anything that may at one time had an organic origin.
-- Clyde Soles

Innovation always costs more than imitation.
-- Clyde Soles

What, you don't carry inflatable palm trees and a few pink flamingos? You can't have a decent climb with the proper ambiance.
-- Clyde Soles

The net is a poor microcosm of the universe because it attracts certain personality types. Sad to say, negativism rules.
-- Clyde Soles

In a narcissistic, live for yourself community such as Boulder - where healthy women in sports bras and herbal enhanced sex are norm - that shouldn't be a problem. In fact, I'll bet your sad story alone in the right bar could get you laid.
-- Nate Beckwith

My van averages 18 mpg, and is capable of cruising comfortably at around 100 mph. In 1997, I logged well over 20k miles, over $600 in traffic fines and towing expenses, and several dead animals.
-- Nate Beckwith

There's everything short of dead bodies strewn all over that route (C-H) from years of epics. There is a heinous approach as well as every haul being a nightmare.
-- Nate Beckwith

But criticizing something about which you haven't a clue makes you sound really dumb. A reply from someone knowledgeable would be a waste of their time. Welcome to the dilemma of rec.climbing,and the source of its quality.
-- Nate Beckwith

>What I'm wondering is why hasn't it [Slapshot] seen a repeat?
Maybe: 1) Because it's really freakin' hard. 2) Because Holloway was a real badass. 3) Because no one climbs in E.B.'s anymore; new shoes suck? 4) Because Holloway is tall and the ground at the base of Slapshot has eroded.
-- Jeff Elison

13 responses and very little useful advice - that's rec.climbing.
-- Jeff Elison

its time to start anew... pull that lovingly used rack out from under the bed (my storage place of late) inspect that rope and toss it into the pack... snag some food, snag some drinks.. and hit the rock..pick the line and go.. paint the rock with the sweat of sucess
-- xfrog

It amazes me how any discussion on the newsgroup generally degrades into folks from all over the world calling each other twits and claiming larger member sizes.
-- Deuce4

We're trying as hard as we can to contain our excitement, so as to be able to accomplish simple daily tasks.
-- N

Of course, the first all-female ascent of Midnight Lightning was a huge coup, as Lynn was obviously aware. In fact, to make the ascent seem all the more valid, she even had her belayer (John Bachar) dress up in women's lingerie.
-- Kelly Rich

>I would think it takes too much space in your pack or jacket when you must carry a lot of stock and gear.
If you're going to bother taking stock along, why don't you just make them walk or climb on their own instead of trying to get them to crawl into your pack? I would think your average cow would take a lot more space than an insulated water bottle or do you just carry those miniature pigs? Nothing like fresh meat on a bivy though.
-- Russ Schwartz

I know I didn't expect to break my heel in the process, but it happened. Fearing a similar adventure, I brought my crutches with me when I returned for my successful ascent. I hope the first woman to climb Midnight Lightning cordless gets justly rewarded for her courage. Hmmm, how much do those operations cost?
-- Bigverm

Sure you're the author of Stone Crusade and had an FA on the problem, but around here that doesn't count for much! You'll see. Verm, welcome to rec.climbing -- wanna donut?
-- Al Black

>Focus NUMBER ONE ON SAFETY
>Bollocks. Image first, donuts second, safety third. (Hugh Grierson)
Yer all screwed up! The PROPER order is 1) COFFEE 2) Tight little Verve Lycra pants, 3) Proper butt-cheek definition, 4) then, and only then, safety.
-- Chris Maytag

Out by myself at the Lonely Boulders today. Found a nice little vertical brown wall, with a pretty bad landing. Had to be done though. Got into the car and said aloud to myself, God. I love it here. Thank you. Switched on the radio and as I drove back home Jesus Jones sang, Right here, right now. There is no other place I'd rather be.
-- Mick Ryan

Byrnes' presentation of the truth more closely approximates the response you will likely receive from gravity - sure, swift and unforgiving.
-- Jim

So asking for the best place to rappel in the Front Range is like asking, "You live in Colorado, right? Which ski resort has the best lift to ride?"
-- Ilana Stern

The twitching is subsiding.
-- Amanda Tarr

A suitable level of paranoia will do a lot to keep you alive, but there is such a thing as taking it too far.
-- John Davis

Your only salvation will be to repeat 30 times "I love Christian's g- string and I am the Horsetooth Outhouse Camcorder Bandit" at every social gathering in Boulder for the next month.
-- Amanda Tarr

Being convinced in the face of an overwhelming lack of evidence is a usenet trademark.
-- Ed Humphries

True, "terminal" velocity in climbing can vary, and be a lot lower than you think. A bit like; "Any good rope will last you a lifetime,which may not be as long as you'd wish."
-- Stefan Axelsson

By the way, has anyone else ever ended up with one nad on each side of a leg loop when falling off?
-- tim

>send all flames directly to me. The group doesn't need any more of them.
Translation: "Please don't roast me publicly for being a dickhead. I don't want anybody else to know."
-- Steve Gray

Motivation is maintained by repeated readings of Rebuffat and careful timing of my training sessions to coincide with those of the women's handball team.
-- Struan Gray

If it really is too harsh, and you're not able to accept your loss and move on, get John Long's new book "Gear-Freak Grief: Learning to Place Lost Gear in the Past" Chockstone Press, $14.95.
-- Michael Creel

Signs You Might Be A Poser

4. You use the word manky around non-climbers, just so they'll ask what it means.
6. You constantly find new and not-so-subtle ways to bring climbing into irrelevant conversations (e.g., Wow, the color of that ketchup bottle looks a lot like the rap slings on this 11b I did last week.)
8. When out on the town, you prefer to use a Mamba quickdraw as a keychain.
12. You name your pets after Himalayan peaks you've neither climbed nor seen.

-- Peter Graff

15d. You flame people on rec.climbing for the same dumb questions you were posting just a few months ago.
15g. You've never led your favorite climb.
-- Dave Condit

Basically there are three ratings: No Big Deal (NBD), Not Too Bad (NTB), Pretty Damn Hard (PDH). There's a modifier- Real Heads Up (RHU) for bad falls. Of course Jim Beyer would add- YFYDFS- you fall you die for sure.
-- Eric Coomer (quoting Bridwell)

It was a mistake to expect the physical-space atmosphere from the virtual-space forum. I'll try to refrain from giving people advice about things I don't have direct experience with
-- Sulam

HIT training can be very dangerous. Basically, you tie into a large bungee cord anchored to the ground and climb. The higher you climb the more resistance. When your forearms flame out though that's when the hyper-gravity kicks in!
-- sdw

66% of the abseils I have done with Stefan have resulted in stuck ropes, 100% of the rapells I have done with Lord Slime have been trouble free. This conclusively proves both that abseiling is more dangerous than rapelling, and that the aristocracy are safer climbers than the hoi polloi.
-- Struan

I just thought that this would be a good time to lay out some of the lessons that I personally have learned from reading Sulam's posts.1) All climbing is about gear. 2) All trad routes are bolted. 4) If you are persistent enough, you will get results. We can't guarantee what those results will be, but we do guarantee results.
-- Keith Allen

>>I keep reading these aid climbing posts where something called copperheads are referred to I am wondering what these are
>Poisonous snakes. (Mad "true" Dog)
I bet they pretty mad when you try to bash them in! BTW how to you keep them racked?
-- John K. Edwards

>>I have replied to Ken via email. (James/Sulam)
>I have just consumed a bean burrito. (Med Dyer)
I just finished a milkshake. Can still taste it. Chocolate.
-- Rbmack

Maybe I just ate a bad onion the day I went to see the movie. It's possible. Evil onions are common.
-- Tim Stich

>1. Is "Touching the Void" published in 1989 and "Touching the Void published in 1990 the same book?
Different book. He died in the first one but the test audiences hated it, so they rewrote the ending for the second one.
> 2. If so which one is better?
The first one for sure. Think of it as the Director's Cut (or perhaps that should be the Belayer's Cut).
-- Jamie

Sometimes I'd give my left nut for great hex.
-- John Lee

Heck, those silly Midwesterners are so desperate for a piece of good rock, a typical climber with about 5 years experience will have every area and every route in the region wired. You should head up to the N. Shore. You'd go nuts. After a trip to Devil's lake, maybe you could safely head out to CA or CO without the risk of some sort of terminal orgasm.
-- Nate Beckwith

Ticking trade routes is pretty cool, IMO, but it's just poor form to complain about crowds while standing at the base.
-- Nate Beckwith

The climb has been tainted for me, and I wish I could have done better. If I'd fallen and broken an ankle, the answer would have been easy; I went over the line. But instead, I pulled on a piece, and I'll never quite know where that line was, or how close I was too it.
-- Tom Dunwiddie

a) if you pay too much for a jacket, it's your own damn fault; b) my reviews have never refrained from debunking hype, slamming bad products...or praising good ones.
-- Clyde Soles

Matt, my name is Robert Ternes, and I am actually the Internet Representative for the Consumers Union for the Measurement of Wearable Articles of Down.
-- Robert Ternes

Me--I'm still waiting for that Pop Tarts sponsorship to come through ("Fuel for Average Climbers").
-- WSJgrigri

If people like you, they give you the benefit of every doubt. If you are an outsider folks don't want to like you, the you are damned even in greatness.
-- Karl Baba

I am drinking my morning coffee watching people exchange thoughts on high velocity chickens. The concept of an "Oven Stuffer Roaster" doing Mach 1 is funny enough without the note that they only shoot out hens, as males tend to curve. This discovery had to be a trail and error process...... "Whoa, sliced it again..." "Where did that one go?" "Dunno. Fire off another one ...."
-- Ian Bevan

The first 5 chickens had frozen, but the engineers managed to thaw out the remaining 61 by putting them in their sleeping bags, which, unfortunately,became somewhat fowl.
-- Karl "notBird" Lew

We also found that biners were easier to unclip if the gate was facing the head of the bolt that secured the hanger to the rock. Due to this I rotate my top biner with the gate down and out if the orientation of the lower biner warrants the top biner's gate to be facing the bolt head. I hope this makes sense. You also have to be aware of rock interference potential which could be far more of a problem in open gate loading situations.
-- Chris Harmston

Half expecting to get cold-cocked by someone I'd flamed, I approached with my mask on and a careful eye for anyone with a grudge.
-- GrantM

In fact, I spent last thursday trying to haul my Lyme-wracked carcass up the blunt end of my partner's new route there, and I staggered down the path in a lactic acid haze just as the last of the light disappeared. A most familiar circumstance, even after two years during which the "tumbled rocks trail" at Devil's Lake started to seem like a major approach.
-- Nicholas Dawes

My partner bought me some deodorant the other day (no, no particuar reason) and it's labelled "Avalanche". At first I thought this refered to the fragrance, but it doesn't even smell like a pair of fleece pants full of hastily and involuntarily released human waste (which is the only odour I normally associate with avalanches).
-- Guillermo Barron