> Who wants to hang out with assholes anyways?

I hope you're wearing your new BD Logic Avalung, the crash of collapsing arguments all around you must be deafening.
(Steven Cherry)

Anyone who uses an email address like "hung_like_rhino" is a likely candidate for a dope-slap.
(Lord Slime)

>Batten: GIVE ME SOME HOPE! God I wish those towers still stand.

>I'm curious, mostly for my own edification, why my post wasn't similarly flamed.

The rec.climbing character Lord Slime is a trademark of rec.climbing ventures, Inc. John Byrnes, as a defacto moderator, is authorized to use that name to do his work. According to the contract, the STANDARD FORMULA for Lord Slime posting is:

1. Post a correction to all erroneous information. Corrections may be firm, cordial, or matter of fact.
2. Wait for response.
3. If response does not result in a retraction of erroneous information by originator, insults, jokes, and/or harsh language are authorized.

Byrnes SKIPPED step 2, which is a clear violation of contract. Now get back to fucking work and don't do this again.
(Tim Stich)

>Plus we can climb outside year round...neener neener.

>Sincere question, Adrian. If we could genetically modify a chicken breed so it had no brain, or at least no more sentience or self-awareness than (your words) a fetus, would it be OK then? It would essentially be a non-green plant with wings, beaks and feet. Almost a walking fungus. A meat plant with feathers.

Apparently your mind was not read with sufficient accuracy, but frankly your mind isn't very legible.
(Dawn Alguard)

Oh, and go fuck yourself (sorry, but if I leave a plainly helpful answer then they'll kick me off of this ng)
(Chris Ferro)

> A couple question's???
> sewn in loop's
> used for rescue's.
> looking for plans and design's.

Hey, while you're doing that on-line shopping, maybe you should go to a site like dictionary.com and pick up a couple dozen spare apostrophes. At the rate you're going, you'll probably run out pretty quickly.

> 1. Im looking
> 2. Im wanting

Uh-oh, maybe you already have....
(Steven Cherry)

Predicted future questions from "hi" and the chumps he is savior to:
1. Baseball cap or bandana?
2. Should I spray paint my webbing to match my rope?
3. what is the PC way to pronounce "biner"?
4. I am currently stuck on the 6th pitch of a 10 pitch climb ten miles from anything. I have dropped all of my gear, my rope, my harness and my partner. What is the best way to fabricate a rope from sagebrush and a laptop computer?
5. Will you be my friend?
(Jason Lucero)

You've already worked your way into a position in which no rec.climber with half a brain would ever climb with you, and many don't even consider you "safe" for reading
(Steven Cherry)

I'm strictly against people being allowed to declare a religious affiliation they are not even capable of spelling correctly.
(David Kastrup)

He fabricated more data on the TiBloc alone than Petzl ever did. And that without ever using such a device or reverting to Petzl's data. If that is not an impressive track record, I don't know what is.
(David Kastrup, about Bill Zaumen)

I appreciate the reply, but there is just too much ignorance in your answer.
hi (noneofyourbusiness@none.com)

> So I was thinking to look form something online...then the question of what-size-do-I-wear came up. Any suggestions?

Yea...try 22's and if they are a bit to small, you might go for something like 23's.
(Michael Riches)

> I did something stupid. I made a swing for the kids in the backyard by
basically looping a rope over a tree branch, passing the free ends through the loop, and snugging it up with the fr ends hanging down.

What I SHOULD have done was to tie two separate lines to the branch. I have to somehow climb up to the branch, and free the rope, but it's just too damn slippery. I was wondering if someone could point me in the right direction to rig up a harness to help me climb this stupid thing. Any suggestions? I herebye absolve you all of any culpability if I break my neck.

Undo earlier mistake. Have them lower you. QED! You may even win an award (Darwin) for the project.

Is it legal to take out life insurance on someone other than yourself?
(Mike Yukish)

>I had tried many mail server, on my Windows NT or Windows 2000 server, my server connect through cable modem which assigned by DHCP server an IP address, my computer installed windows 2000, and I had tried Rockliffe Mailsite, Imail, etc , mail server. my computer is connect through cable modem to internet, ISP use DHCP server to assign an IP address on my computer but got same problem, when I use my own configed mail server to send mail, all message will go to holding, and system event viewer show, no response from any DNS server when searching for domain..." but I got no problem to send and receive email which domain configed under my own DNS(on my NT server). any help will be much appreciated.

I am happy to tell everyone that I just was issued a patent for my Dynamic Biner Design. It is a hybrid metal, polyomer design. The Biner will be sold under the name "The Mexican". It looks and acts like a regular biner up to 800lbs. After that it starts to deform, it then acts as a constant force spring. It will deform up to 1.5 times its length. The anchor never sees a load over 800lbs. Or will your harness, or the aid placement you just took a 60 foot fall on. Still trying to work out a few UV concerns. These will probally be in the REI stores by Christmas. One will never again have to worry about sliding X type concerns, so that thread is now dead. If you post anything about the sliding X you are stupid.
(Batten)

I think that the best thing to get your head in shape for leading is leading, and the more the better; that's why the first lead in the spring usually seems pretty scary. At times I've climbed with partners who for one reason or another weren't doing any leading, and I found that my leading really improved if every time I was on a rope, I was on the sharp end. Conversely, I find that too much top-roping seems to put me out of synch and makes it harder to lead - you start missing the security of having that rope above you.
(4/28/96)

The normal knee-jerk response on this newsgroup seems to be to flame the humor-impaired who don't get a joke unless it is immediately followed by a :^) Instead, you just pull his leg a bit more. One more such interchange, and he'll only be able to walk in circles! You better pull his other leg for a while...
(1/9/96)

Fat Middle-Aged Has Beens by Tom Cikoski

 

The following email arrived recently at the office of FMAHB:

 

"Hi, I'm Virginia. I'm 14 years old. I'm an A+ student at a private school, play piccolo for the Boston Pops, have just published my first novel, and am working on a new proof for Fermat's Last Theorem. But my Mom says I need to get ready because some day I'm going to be a Fat Middle-Aged Has Been. What sort of diet should I be on?"

First, Virginia, let me say that your Mom is quite a special person to tell you about FMAHB. Most parents never even mention it, although their children will spend at least half of their life in the FMAHB state. Bravo, Mom!

Virgina, all foods are categorized into their basic nutrient components. I'm sure you've heard plenty about "dairy, meats, vegetables, and fruits" before. But at the point of your life where FMAHB takes over, the categories change. The food group categories for FMAHB are "liver damage, heart damage, cancer threat, and blood pressure". Got that? Now let's look at your daily FMAHB dietary requirements.

Beer
----
Beer is the primary FMAHB food group because it fits well into every category. Plus it supplies the essential lethergy which is so meaningful to the FMAHB lifestyle. Remember to avoid simple beers (like "Bud") which the body turns directly into urine in the mouth. Choose complex beers like Newcastle Brown or most local micro-brews. These beers take longer to inurinate the body, thus permitting that wholesome torpidity to spread evenly throughout the entire system.

Pizza
-----
Pizza is known as an "incomplete nutritional element" because it does not damage the liver. So you must always remember not to eat pizza by itself. Beer is a good companion food. Also remember that certain types of pizza (namely "plain cheese") actually rob the body r>of certain key minerals. Keep these minerals from leaving your system by blocking their exit with large helpings of pepperoni, sausage, bacon, and more cheese on top of the pizza. Add hot pepper flakes to keep up the vital intestinal gas pressure, without which your body might collapse like an empty balloon.

Doughnuts
---------
Could God have invented a more perfect FMAHB food than the commercial doughnut? Perish the thought! Among the varieties of doughnut are the cake, the raised, the glazed, the jelly filled, and the creme filled. Think of these varieties as acting in your body like vitamins used to. Each variety has a special little niche in the nutritional engine, and a prolonged deficiency in any one of the varieties has been known to lead to a slow and agonizing starvation. Have you ever seen a cop die of starvation?

Ice Cream
---------
The final daily requirement is a heaping helping of ice cream, suitably dressed. We've heard French Chefs say "It isn't le boeuf that kills you, it's le sauce!" But it is against the law in most places on this Earth to serve ice cream without something on top of it, be that chocolate, fudge, or butterscotch. And we musn't be law breakers just because we're FMAHB, right?

What ever you do, Virginia, make sure you do not fall prey to an FMAHB eating disorder. You can only do the "take out" order or the "eat in" order. Every other eating order is a disorder.

Go now, Virginia, and enjoy your health, youth, and beauty while you can, because even better times are coming. Real soon.

Williamson Rock Code of Conduct by Batten

 

The climber shall not assault or attempt to cause physical injury or behave in a manner which may reasonably cause physical injury to a fellow climber is prohibited.

The climber shall not possess, handle or transmit a weapon or a firearm, or any other object that reasonably can be calculated to do injury or bodily harm to others climbers.

The climber shall not possess, sell, transmit, use or be under the influence of any drug including alcoholic beverages as well as any other intoxicant or stimulant.

The climber shall not disrupt or obstruct any lawful climb, climbing process or function of the crag in any manner, by the use of violence, force, noise, coercion, threat, intimidation, fear, passive resistance, or any other conduct.

The climber will not set fire to, mutilate, damage, deface, or destroy any natural feature.

The climber shall not use directed profanity, or provocative words or acts, or in any way verbally assault another climber.

The climber will not disobey or fail to comply with any reasonable rules or regulations defined in the climbing guide or stated by Troy Mayr.

The climber will not refuse to identify himself upon request of Troy Mayr.

The climber shall not smoke or use tobacco.

The climber will not deposit any human waste in the enviroment or environs surronding Williamson Rock.

The climber will not discharge any gastrointestinal gases.

Only adults (high school enrollment or higher) are allowed at Williamson Rock unless accompanied by a responsible adult.

Each climber must be attired in appropriate athletic attire suitable for the activity of Sport Climbing.

Individuals or single groups shall not monopolize a particular climb, thereby limiting use by other climbers.

Proper belay methods and rope signals must be employed at all times.

Use of a AIAA approved belay device is required.

Belaying directly off shunts is prohibitted.

Profane Language of any type is prohibbited.

Williamson Rock is open from Sunrise to Sunset.

Free soloing is strictly prohibitted.

All bolts on a particular route must be clipped.

Climbers that live in the city of Bishop, California are not permitted to climb at Willaimson Rock.

The climber will not plan, conspire with, or assist others in violating any of the preceding rules.

Please review and make suggestions - I want prevent any future misunderstandings. The Forrest Service wants this be weeks end, please do not delay.

Chop it Easy by Gary Fike

 

Well, I'm a-climbing up the route
a little scared no doubt
I've got seven bolts on my mind
Four put in by pussies
Two put in by wussies
One that I admit is mine

Chop it easy, chop it easy
Don't let the sound of your own drill
Drive you crazy
Pull it out while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a bolt and make your stand
And chop it easy

Well, I'm jamming in the corner on The Mace in Arizona
And such a shit sight to see
It's a bolt, my lord, what a great big turd
would place such a piece crap for me?
Come on Pussie, can you say Wussie?
I gotta know if your small sack is gonna save me
It will pull and I will win
And you'll never climb here again
So twist it out, punch it in
So chop it easy

Well, I'm a-hanging on the pro
Trying to loosen that 'Ho
Got a world of trouble for this fool
Crankin' on that head, turning all those threads
She's so hard to pull

Chop it easy, chop it easy
Don't let the sound of own drill drive you crazy
Come on pussie, don't say it's safety
I already know this pro ain't gonna save me

Oh, we pulled it easy, it came out easy...

The Disclaimer by Brutus of Wyde

 

WARNING!!

ALL INDIVIDUALS USING, REFERRING TO, TALKING ABOUT, OR THINKING ABOUT THIS TOPO MUST READ THIS!!!

This inaccurate topo is based on dim recollections, half-baked guesses, and outright lies. In NO WAY does it tell the full story. You would probably be better off just trying to find your own way up the mounatin, than you would be if you used this topo. But that statement in no way implies that I am in any way responsible if you don't use the topo, and something bad happens anyway.

Nature is unpredictable and unsafe. Mountains are dangerous. Many books have been written about these dangers, and there's no way I can list them all here. Read the books.

The area depicted by this topo is covered in steep terrain with loose, slippery and unstable footing. The weather can make matters worse. Sheer drops are everywhere. You may fall, be injured or die. There are hidden holes. You could break your leg. There are wild animals, which may be vicious, poisonous, hungry or carriers of dread diseases. These may include poisonous amphibians, reptiles, and insects; insects to which you have allergies, or whose multiple stings can cause anaphylactic shock; mammals which may include skunks, badgers, marmots, lions, tigers, and bears; predatory birds, and all other manner of beasts. Plants can be poisonous as well, and even when not poisonous, can inflict serious injury like a sharp stick in the eye. This topo, and the author of this topo, will not do anything to protect you from any of this. I do not inspect, supervise or maintain the ground, rocks, cliffs, wildlife, vegetation or other features, natural or otherwise.

Real dangers are present even on approach trails. Trails are not sidewalks, and folks have died and been seriously injured even on sidewalks when they have tripped on cracked concrete, plunged into meter boxes with missing covers, been mugged, hit by cars, had pianos fall on them... Trails can be, and are, steep, slippery and dangerous. Trail features made or enhanced by humans, such as bridges, steps, walls and railings (if any) can break, collapse, or otherwise fail catastrophically at any time. I don't promise to inspect, supervise or maintain them in any way. They may be negligently constructed or repaired. Some trails in the area are only maintained by Nelson Bighorn Sheep, who have little regard for human life or human safety, or any humans whatsoever. In summary, trails are unsafe, period. Live with it or stay away.

Stay on the trails whenever possible. The terrain, in addition to being dangerous, is surprisingly complex. You may get lost. You probably WILL get lost. The chances of getting lost multiply geometrically after the sun goes down, due to poor visibility. The sun goes down at least once a day in this area. Not to say that you won't get lost during daylight hours. In either event, carry a flashlight, extra bulb and batteries, compass, GPS, altimeter, cellular phone, food, water, matches and first aid supplies at all times. My advising you of this does not mean there are not other things you should be carrying. Carry them all as well, and know how to use them. I am not responsible for the consequences if you fail to heed this advice. In fact, I am not responsible for the consequences even if you DO heed this advice and, for example, end up in an unplanned bivy because you were carrying too much g*dd@mnstuff, stumble into the bivy fire at 2 am whenyou get up to take a p!ss, and severely burn theflesh on your hands. You have only yourself toblame, so leave me out of it.

Rocks and other objects can, and probably will, fall from the cliffs. They can tumble down slopes. This can happen naturally, or be caused by people above you, such as climbers. Rocks of all sizes, including huge boulders, can shift, move or fall with no warning. If you don't believe me check out the talus slopes at the base of some of the rock walls. They didn't just grow there. Use of helmets is advised for anyone approaching the rock formations. As a matter of fact, approaching the rock formationsis not advised. That is pretty stupid too. But ifyou DO choose to risk your worthless scrawny neckby going near rocks, shoulder pads, knee pads, elbow pads, athletic cups and supporters and other body armor may be handy as well. These items can be purchased or rented from mountaineering shops and athletic supply stores. They won't save you if you get hit by or scrape against something big or on another part of your body. A whole rock formation might collapse on you leave nothing but a grease spot. Don't think it can't happen. It does, and it probably will.

Weather can be dangerous, regardless of the forecast. Be prepared with extra clothing, including rain gear. Hypothermia, heat stroke, dehydration, frostbite, lightning, ice and snow, runoff from rainstorms, flashfloods, etc. can kill you. Rain can turn easy terrain into a deathtrap, can drown you if you're looking up into the sky with your mouth open, and vastly decreases traction on pavement. Snow is even worse, the hazards ranging from snowball fight injuries to avalanches.

If you scramble in high places (scrambling is moving over terrain steep enough to use your hands) without proper experience, training and equipment, or allow children to do so, you are making a terrible mistake. Even if you know what you're doing and are the most experienced and safest climber the world has ever known, you are still making a terrible mistake: lots of things can and do go wrong and you may be injured or die. It happens all the time.

Furthermore, scrambling amongst the huge boulders in this canyon, even without exposure of high places, can result in serious physical and/or emotional injury, or death.

This area, and this route, are not provided with any rangers or security personnel on any regular basis. The other people in the area, including other visitors, USFS employees, foreign agents, biologists and nature freaks, and anyone else who might sneak in, may be stupid, reckless, a religious fanatic, or otherwise dangerous. They may be mentally ill, criminally insane, drunk, using illegal drugs and/or armed with deadly weapons and ready to use them. I'm not going to do anything about that. I refuse to take responsibility.

Excessive consumption of alcohol, use of prescription drugs, over-the-counter medications, and/or legal or illegal controlled substances while frequenting this area can and probably will affect your mental state, alertness, and decision-making abilities, and could make an already dangerous situation even worse. Even abstinence won't protect you from the actions of others under the influence of such substances. Tough luck. Not my fault.

The driveways, freeways, highways, streets, alleys, back roads and unimproved 4WD tracks leading to this area kill hundreds of folks each year. Many of these fatalities are folks who aren't even on their way to this canyon, who in fact have never heard of this canyon, but are simply innocent victims. Not so you. You have been warned. You could get killed driving to the trailhead. Wearing your seatbelt tightly fastened with the lap belt low across your waist improves your chances of survival, in most cases (except that one steep section of road) but does not and cannot guarantee your safety. You might die before ever stepping out of your vehicle at the trailhead, or on the way home. It can happen any time. If you think you are immune from this kind of thing, you're fooling yourself.

This is not a sterile environment. Bacteria, viruses, protozoa, protoviruses, fungi and other forms of life and protolife which may or may not be currently included in either the plant or animal kingdom are capable of causing you serious bodily harm, illness, or death. These kinds of biological agents are both endemic in the area or present in the plant and animal populations; and are also capable of being carried or transmitted by your climbing partners and travelling companions. I'm not going to take responsibility for this, either. My advice for you to treat drinking water, wash your hands before and after going to the bathroom and before eating, and to not indulge in unprotected sex in this area, in no way obligates me to be responsible for the consequences if you fail to do so, nor does it mean that even if you DO take these precautions and something happens anyway, that I am to blame. Not so. Forget it. Nada. Negativo.

If you climb, you may die or be seriously injured. And the longer you climb the greater your risk of bad luck, which may or may not be compounded by hubris, catching up to you. This is true whether you are experienced or not, trained or not, and equipped or not, though training, experience and equipment may help. It's a fact, climbing is extremely dangerous. If you don't like it, stay at home. You really shouldn't be doing it anyway. I do not provide supervision or instruction. I am not responsible for, and do not inspect or maintain, climbing anchors (including bolts, pitons, slings, trees, etc.) As far as I know, any of them can and probably will suddenly fail without warning and send you plunging to your death with a bloodcurdling scream, likely pulling your partner to his or her doom as well. There are countless tons of loose rock ready to be dislodged and fall on you or someone else. There are any number of inobvious, extremely and unusually dangerous conditions existing on and around the rocks, and elsewhere in the canyon. I probably don't know about any specific hazard, but even if I do, don't expect this topo or its author to try to warn you. You're on your own.

Furthermore, the fact that I'm not trying to stop you from being in this area in no way implies, nor should it be inferred, that I approve, recommend, advocate, or otherwise in any way affirm that such action on your part is anything but incredibly stupid.

Rescue services are not provided by anyone near this climb, and may not be available quickly or at all. In fact, if anything really serious happens to you in this area, you'll probably be dead before word ever reaches civilization. Local rescue squads may not be equipped for or trained in mountain rescue. They probably won't be. If you are lucky enough to have somebody try to rescue you or treat your injuries, they will probably be incompetent or worse. This includes doctors and hospitals. I assume no responsibility. Also, if you decide to participate in a rescue of some other unfortunate, that's your choice. Don't do it unless you are willing to assume all risks, and don't blame me when it goes bad and you end up getting yourself sued in the process.

By using, or even just looking at this topo, you are agreeing that I owe you no duty of care or any other duty, you agree to release me, my relatives, heirs, dependents, and anyone else I care to name, now and forevermore, from any and all claims of liability, even though my actions may be grossly negligent and/or be construed as reckless endangerment, manslaughter, or other misconduct up to and including premeditated murder. By consulting this topo, you agree to waive forever any rights that you, your partners, dependents, heirs, inlaws, and others known or unknown to you may have, to legal compensation resulting from anything that has anything to do with this topo, including but in no way limited to paper cuts from the edge of the topo itself. If you try to sue me in spite of all this, you agree to pay my lawyers fees regardless of the outcome of the suit, and you expressely agree to re-imburse me for any loss or injury, be it financial, physical, emotional, or imagined, which I may experience as a result of such lawsuit.

I promise you nothing. I do not and will not even try to keep the area safe for any purpose. The area is NOT safe for any purpose. This is no joke. I won't even try to warn about any dangerous or hazardous condition, whether I know about it or not. If I do decide to warn you about something, that doesn't mean I will try to warn you about anything else. If I do make an effort to fix an unsafe condition, I may not try to correct any others, and I may actually make matters worse! I may have done things in the area that are unwise and dangerous. I probably did, but I don't remember. Sorry, I'm neither competent nor responsible. The topo gives you bad advice. Don't listen. Or do listen. It's your choice, but you face the consequences either way, whatever they may be.

In short, CLIMB AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you, or your heirs, relatives, dependents or others known or unknown to you; your partner or your partners heirs, relatives, dependents, or others known or unknown to your partner, are the slimy kind of lawyer-touting parasites who would try to sue the author of a topo, If you can't take responsibility for your own decisions, knowledge, routefinding and plain dumb luck, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stay far far away from this route and this canyon, give up climbing, and die of some completely natural, painful, and slowly progressive disease.

Thank you, climb safe, and have fun!

END of Disclaimer

Backcountry Rules and Regulations in the Future by Brutus of Wyde

 

2005 A.D.
Fine. Please deposit your backcountry use permit reservation fee in the envelope, insert it in the iron ranger, and make sure the stub is visible in the lower corner of the driver's side of your windshield when you park. make sure your park entry pass is also visible. Do not park or camp in the RV campground or RV parking areas. Otherwise your vehicle will be impounded.

2012 A.D.
Proof of backcountry rescue insurance is also required. Climbers are restricted to use of the designated climber trails indicated by the flashing lights on the Access Fund posts.

2015 A.D.
Installation of any anchors is a felony, punishable by 5 years in jail, $20,000 fine, or both.

2020 A.D.
Posession of climbing gear including ropes, hammers, pitons, cams, and drills is considered presumptive evidence of intent to climb in an area designated as historic and scenic. Your gear has been impounded as evidence. Your trial date is to be set.

With Apologies to Robert Frost by Melissa Michelitsc

 

Whose crags are these I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To look at them from down below.

Some of my friends would think it queer
To stop without a rope or gear,
But the urge to mount this chossy spire
Is even greater than my fear.

It's cold, and though I start to shake,
Towards the base a step I take.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of wind against a hollow flake.

This line is lovely, smooth, and steep,
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

The story of rec.climbing by Brutus of Wyde

 

The wall was steep as steep could be,
The ground was flat as flat.
You could not read discussions
Of the uses of Dead Cat:
There wasn't yet a newsgroup
to discuss: Not even that.

The Leader and the Follower
Were cleaning off the moss;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of choss:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be Boss!"

"If three sport weenies with their drills
drilled and pried and chipped.
Do you suppose," the Leader said,
"We'd be no longer gripped?
I doubt it, but let's ask" he said,
As one more beer he sipped.

"O Gymbies, will you post with us?"
The Leader did inquire
"A pleasant post, a pleasing roast,
Atop Slime's roasting pyre:
We must confess that your BS,
would make for splendid fire!

Hardman Knott just looked at him,
But never a word he said:
Hardman Knott just flexed his pecks,
And shook his shaven head--
Meaning to say he'd much prefer
To flash 5.12 instead.

But eight young Gymbies hurried up,
All eager for the talk:
With harness carefully doubled back,
and hands awash in chalk--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They never had touched rock.

A pair of bolters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And Traddies by the score--
And AOLers spraying trash,
All scrambling to the war.

The Leader and the Follower
Talked for three threads or so,
And then they trolled the newbies,
saying "you are climbers, no?"
And all the little lurkers sat
And waited for the show.

"The time has come," the Leader said,
"To post of many things:
Of Friends--and chocks--and cordelettes--
Of climbs called "wings and stings"--
Of Batten's back, Amanda's rack--
And strength of spectra slings."

"But wait a bit," Softbodies cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Leader.
They thanked him much for that.

"A donut, fried" Al Black replied,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Cake or glazed or buttermilk
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Climbers dear,
We can begin to read."

"But don't flame us!" young 'hi' then cried,
Turning a little green.
"After such kindness, that would be
A thing that's downright mean!"
"This thread is fine," the Leader said.
"Do you admire the scene?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very good!"
The Follower said nothing but
"Toss on a bit more wood:
These flames seem to be dying out,
Not blazing like they should!"

"It seems a shame," the Leader said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them up so far,
And made them think so quick!"
The Follower said nothing but
"This 'hi' is such a Dick!"

"I pity him," the Leader said:
"I really feel his pain."
With sobs and tears he tossed a rock
That crushed a newbie's brain,
Holding a pen-knife to another's
pulsing jugular vein.

"O newbies," said the Follower,
"You've had a pleasant chat!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But silence answered that--
And this was scarcely odd, because
On all of them they'd shat.