I’ve spent two years trying to be a better . . . whatever. Person, friend, runner, climber, girlfriend, employee, Buddhist, contributor to the world at large. Two years later I’m no better than I ever was and I’m tired of trying. Yes, it’s good to work on yourself, but I’ve reached a breaking point. I am who I am and I’m done trying to be better than that.

So I bark orders at Todd while he’s belaying me from above on The Dangler. He was barking orders at me while I was belaying him from below. And so we both made a bloody mess of it–again–and when I complained about the people on Three Pines offering me beta, and he said he hoped I was nice to them at least, I admitted that I wasn’t. So maybe they’ll learn something about suggesting basic climbing techniques to a person on a route seven grades harder than theirs.

And no, I cannot lead 5.10 at the Gunks, not even in some half-assed way where you eventually arrive at the top by hook or crook or pulling on gear or climbing the route next to you. Not even like that. And I can’t run 100K one weekend and go for a casual three hour run the next weekend. I can’t even walk uphill carrying a pack two weeks later without passers-by worrying about my limp. I can’t even be the nice passer-by who would worry about someone else’s limp.

So I suck, but I’m going back to liking it. And I’m going back to hanging out with people who like it. And although I don’t ever expect to stop trying to get better, I’m going to stop thinking I’m not just fine the way I am.

Glypnod, 5.8 (P1: Todd, P2: Dawn)
The Dangler, 10a (Todd)
Star Action, 5.10 (Todd)
Graveyard Shift, 5.11 (TR)