“Will you climb for Dawn?” the gym manager asks Lisa. I graduated from belay class last week and have to take my mandatory re-test before I’m set free to belay at will.

“Sure,” Lisa says. She climbs slowly, giving me time to go through the elaborate ritual of pinching and sliding. She pauses. She falls.

Since then I’ve climbed for a few people myself, so I know the drill. You have to fall without warning. I also know that, even knowing the tester is backing up the testee, it’s not that easy to let go.

I catch Lisa and pass the test. Ordinarily I’d probably be left to my own devices now but this is a friendly gym and Gary, the gym manager, knows I’ve been worried about not having a partner.

“Do you have anyone to climb with?” he asks. I shake my head. “You can climb with Lisa,” he offers on her behalf.

“Sure,” she says again. I know Lisa better now. I know she isn’t crazy about climbing with beginners because of how much time they spend hanging on the rope. So maybe it’s not surprising that I get handed off to Dan. Dan has a way with beginners.

“Nice lower!” he says as he hits the ground. “Good belay!” I glow in response.

Flash forward two years to Sunday at the Gunks. I’m belaying Todd as he leads Hurdie Gerdie (5.8+). I should really be paying attention to him as he makes thin moves above thin gear but my mind is on Lisa and Dan around the corner on Bunny (5.4). Between the two of them, they probably have more years of climbing experience than I have of life experience, but today they’re reacquainting themselves with trad climbing and I’m feeling like a mother hen.

Dan leading Bunny (5.4)

“I should have stayed where I could see them,” I fret guiltily. Finally Todd lowers off and I can check on them. They’re fine, of course. Dan is off belay and Lisa is getting ready to follow him.

I follow Todd on Hurdie Gerdie. The irony is that I’m not leading anything today. I’ve become so scared, so scarred, my psyche so broken, that we’ve deemed it advisable that I take some time off and learn to enjoy climbing again without fear. I’m the wrong person to be guiding Dan and Lisa on their rexploration of the wonderful world of trad.

While we wait for Dan and Lisa to come down, Todd and I work on Nurdie Gerdie, the 5.10+ with the infamous single-finger-pocket move. I skip the first crux by using the arete. I’m really only interested in the finger-pocket move. It takes a couple of tries but I get it.

Dan on Nurdie Gerdie (5.10+)

“That’s the sort of move you could hurt yourself on,” I say as I lower off.

Todd pulls the first crux but falls at the finger pocket.

“Shit!” he explodes.

I’m surprised he’s reacting so dramatically. It’s not like I got it clean, after all.

“It popped,” he says. “Fuck.” He’s holding his hand funny and finally I get it. He’s not pissed about blowing the move. He’s hurt himself.

“We’ve lost our rope gun,” I tell Lisa and Dan mournfully while Todd goes to soak his finger in the stream. More to the point, I’ve lost my rope gun. So much for my leading siesta.

But for now we have a rope up on Nurdie Gerdie, which Dan and Lisa are willing to try despite what the route just did to Todd, and on Red Cabbage (5.9) around the corner. As they’re finishing up, I’m surprised to see that Horseman (5.5) is about to be open. I snag it for them.

“Classic,” I tell them. I flake our trail rope out for them. “Now you know how to do a double-rope rappel, right?”

“Dawn,” Dan says flatly, rolling his eyes at me. OK. They know. He leads the first pitch and Lisa the second as Todd and I tinker around on the ground. We run into a friend. She’s injured with a healthy partner and I’m healthy with an injured partner. I follow her partner’s lead of Apoplexy, allowing us to put a rope up on Apoplexy and Coronary.

Lisa cleaning on Horseman (5.5)

This turns out to be a slight tactical error on our part as it doesn’t take me long to run up the two routes (which I seem to climb almost every weekend) and now, leaving the rope up for Dan and Lisa, we’re out of ropes for me. As soon as they hit the ground, we grab their rope to set up Low Exposure (5.11-).

The last time I got on this route I made almost no progress at all. Today, with some hanging in the middle, I finally make it to the top. I’m so thrilled. I’ve never been high enough on this route to be able to hang before, so hanging alone is an accomplishment.

Todd getting the rest on Low Exposure (5.11-)

Lisa and Dan have thoroughly enjoyed their trad experiences so far but they can’t be talked into trying Low Exposure, not even after I describe it as “brutal, awkward, and painful – totally trad.”